This Can't Be Goodbye
by floatingawayinadaydream
Summary: It's not fair, you don't deserve any of this. But I have to be fair to you. Goodnight, I love you. One-shot


**Hey hi okay i know i still owe an update for Be Mine but i was in a shitty mood and wrote this... Its messy and it might be a little confusing so i apologise now in advance lol**

**Alright this entire one-shot is in Alex's POV but the short sentences in the story that are **_only_** in italics, those are Mitchie's current thoughts on what Alex says. I'm sorry if i confuse you in this one. It might make more sense as you read...And i'm sorry its a little depressing **

**Review?**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my mess**

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I never thought that this was the way I would say goodbye to her. I never thought that I would have to say goodbye to her forever meaning she wouldn't _**ever**_come back. The thought completely shook me.

The doctors told me that it's amazing that she never died on scene but there was just no hope anymore. I had hope, I was always filled with hope. That's something I learnt over the years that I've spent with Mitchie. She was always the most positive person no matter the situation or circumstances. She was the best person I had ever met. The best person I'll ever meet.

'Why the fuck did this happen?! This isn't fair! None of this is fair!' The amount of times thoughts like those passed through my mind was off the charts. Mitchie didn't deserve this! But if she were awake right now, she'd tell me to relax and that certain things happen in life that we cannot control, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and if it was her time to go, it was her time. But that's the fucking problem, _**I**_ had to decide whether it was time for her to leave this place we call home; Earth. _**I**_ was the one that had to decide on whether or not we kept the machines on or shut them off.

A severely intoxicated 29 year old man's car drove full speed down a straight road and slammed straight into Mitchie's car. The head-on collision sent Mitchie's car right off the road, approximately flipping four times. By the time an ambulance came to her rescue, she was already unconscious. After scans and examinations, they told me that she had suffered severe head trauma and many of her bones had broke.

She lies still in the hospital bed, surrounded by white hostile walls and beeping machines. Despite all of her cuts and bruises, her casts and bandages, she looks...peaceful. I rub my red, sunken eyes and inhale deeply and exhale harshly while roughly running my fingers through my messy hair. I think I've left the hospital once in several days. I'm exhausted; physically and mentally. I have, before, unintentionally fallen into light naps on the chair next to her bed but have always quickly sprung awake. I cannot **_sleep_**. And I just can't afford to. I have to be here when she wakes up; I have to be awake to help her when she wakes up.

I love Mitchie. I will **_always _**love her. But seeing her like this with tubes going in and out of her body and being connected to machines, it just wasn't fair. We had once read about something like this on someone's Facebook wall. It was then that she looked at me and simply told me that if this ever happened to her during our time together, I shouldn't hold onto any form of hope the doctors gave me. But in this case, the doctors had _**no**_hope. I remember I got angry with her for even thinking about that. She said she wouldn't want to be alive only through a machine because there was no value of life in that and she didn't want me to suffer. **_Me. _**She was so selfless and I loved that about her. God, why her?!

The doctors had taught me the go about with switching off the machine beforehand in case I decided to do it myself one day. They prepped me for the actions but not for the repercussions of my choice; one can **_never _**be prepared for the loss of a loved one.

I fucking love her with my whole, entire heart. She **_is _**my best friend, my favorite person, my wife of just 8 months. We didn't get enough time together but I will cherish the memories and she will _**forever**_ be in my heart.

With a body that's slowly trembling, I gradually make my way towards the side of her bed from the other side of the room. My vision begins to get blurry as my eyes fill up with that salty solution that I have become all too familiar with these past days. God, I'm surprised I still have tears left to cry.

My breathing become heavy as I think about what I'm about to do.

My tears roll off my own cheeks as I lean down and plant gentle kisses on her forehead, nose, cheek and lips.

My hands shake as I run them along her hair and caress her beautifully flawless face, wiping my tears off.

My throat tightens, enveloping the huge lump forming as I begin speak to her.

"Mitchie, baby, I love you so much. I love you so Goddamn much. I know you can't hear me but I have to do this. I don't want to let you go, I _**never**_ want to ever let you go but you would have wanted this. I remember."

_Alex? No, I can hear you. God, I'm so happy to hear your voice. I wish I could see you._

"I can't even begin to imagine a life without you. But you'll be in my heart forever, Mitchie, and I have to do this for you. I have to be fair to you."

_You don't have to, I'm right here. Alex, I'm right here. Wait!_

"I wish you could just open your eyes right now and smile at me. Jesus, what I'd do to see you smile just one more time. I wish I told you more times how beautiful your smile is or how beautiful your eyes are. You're perfect inside and out."

_I will! We'll be able to speak soon. Don't let go of me, baby._

"I guess asking for a proper goodbye would be too much so this is what we're left with. I know that you can't hear me but I have to say bye somehow. I don't want to though. This is so..."

_There's no need for a goodbye. I'm here, Alex!_

My crying became too much to even get a word out. I stopped to lean my head on her shoulder before getting back up and wiping my tears away, dampening the sleeve of my hoodie. I looked at her, hoping to see a change of movement. But there was nothing.

"This is so unfair! I still wanted to take you to see the Eiffel Tower and The Reclining Buddha and every other place you desired to see and go to. There is still so much for me to say to you and so much to do and see together."

_We'll travel the world together. Hold on, please!_

"I admit that I'm a mess right now and I'm sorry if I'm rambling and all that I just...I could really use a hug from you right now, my princess. I miss you already and you're right in front of me. I miss the sound of your voice and your laugh."

_I'll squeeze and cuddle you so hard soon. I know what I said before but I'm right here!_

I stopped yet again to wipe my eyes. I gazed over at the machine and I swear it was as if I felt something stab into my heart then viciously slice it in half.

"I'm **_not _**saying bye because I **_will_** be with you again; some place, one day. I'm sure of that. You're so incredibly special to me. I love you. More than you'll ever know."

_Good, don't say bye. I know we will be together again. And I love __**you **__more than __**you'll **__ever know._

My crying was the worst it has ever been right now. I hugged her as tight and as best as I could before doing my round of kisses on her face again. I stood upright and stretched my one arm towards _**that machine**_. With every hesitation that I had, I had to continuously remind myself to do what she wanted.

"This is it." **_This is for her._**

_I guess this really is it._

I feel like throwing myself out the room's window right now. **_But I have to do this._**

I can feel my heart crumbling to millions of pieces. **_Think about her._**

This is it. **_She would've wanted this._**

I held her hand with my free hand and kissed her knuckles. "Goodnight, beautiful, I love you so **_so_** much."

_I love you, Alex. Baby, I love you._

I shut the machine off.


End file.
